Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
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[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.