Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
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ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
My background check bounced.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
haha same
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead