Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

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When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.


Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?


[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son


I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.


“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team


When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.


“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.


Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.