@TPAIN

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

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@scott_towel

When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.

@carlyken

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

@murrman5

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

@jlock17

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

@Briidashian

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

@McMcmadmac

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

@MacAnnabella

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

@ThisOneSayz

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.