Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
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Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.