Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
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Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
finally
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”