Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
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waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda