WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
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Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*