MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
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I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Livid.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup