HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
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airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.