I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
You Might Also Like
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Worth the read.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Breaking news:
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children