Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
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[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number