I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
You Might Also Like
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.