Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
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Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.