-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
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Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.