Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
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Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.