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Has there ever been a more American story?
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Finally!