You Might Also Like
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”