I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
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The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
🤣✨#caturday
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe