I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
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Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
our love story in four pictures
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I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
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“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.