I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
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I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
what day is it?
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Aw man, but that’s the best part
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?