You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
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Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.