You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.