dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
You Might Also Like
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.