has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
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Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.