Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
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Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.