I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
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Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.