Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
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[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Favourite diary entry ever
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.