Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
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Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard