My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
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Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Tell me you get it…🤣
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly