Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
You Might Also Like
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
What?!?
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.