My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
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I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
WWE is French for “yes”
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.