I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
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why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.