My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
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(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*