My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
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You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
gm
Well, this explains it:
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”