ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
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Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”