Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
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Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine