I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

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Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What



Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*


When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.


Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.


“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade


I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.


I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.


[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine