I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
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Moms. The original autocorrect.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes