ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
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it’s a van. how do they not know this
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
When he asks for feet pics
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop