My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
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Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.