When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
You Might Also Like
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
ugh not again
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust