how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
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HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho