How and why my FUR ROOM exists
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Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.