My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
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Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
it is time once again
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
repaired