My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
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gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations