Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
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I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
taking June’s advice to heart
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
relationship goals
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.