[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
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We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
an airline just for babies.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!