America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
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*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream