I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
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Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
We’ve all been there
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.