We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
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Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
😆this is so true
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.