Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
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“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Danger is very dangerous
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her