Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
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[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Yes, this is exactly right
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it