[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
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me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”