Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
You Might Also Like
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
When someone says you are so lazy
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”