280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
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My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.