“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
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I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.